Love at first sight

Do you believe in it? You hear it all the time… how did you know they were the one? Oh, it was love at first sight. Talk about fking corny. You expect me to believe that you can fall in love with someone just from a look? It’s hard to fall in love with someone after dating them for months or years. Do I believe in love at first sight? I didn’t at first. But then I met someone and said goddamn she is gorgeous, funny, smart, caring, hard working, oh yeah…and married. Cupid came and popped that heart over my head and said “noooooot toooday”. Cupid can eat a bowl of dicks.

“What Do You Get When You Cross a Mentally Ill Loner with a Society Who Abandons Him ..?”

“You get what you fucking deserve”- Joker

When I hear this dialog in the movie Joker, it totally makes sense. I think about those who are mentally ill that can’t get the help they need. Then, when they snap and kill themselves or others, people question what could have been done to stop this person. Well, for starters, better mental health facilities with qualified staff would work.

From my personal experience, the VA comes to mind. You have staff there that has not dealt with or been trained to handle people with PTSD or mental illness. Of course you have a few psychologist or therapist that understand it, but even then you are pushed out into the civil sector with people who have no life experiences or can’t relate to the patient. All they have is a piece of paper or two hanging in a frame on the wall showing that they can write a thesis.

Around the later part of 2000, as Security Forces, I was in a foxhole with another SF member on our post. Like most SF members do when guarding something, you do “one up, one down” which basically means one person sleeps while the other stays awake. Of course this is frowned upon, but when you are working 12 hours shifts in the dark, it tends to happen. Anyways, one night it was my partners turn to stay up while I slept. Well, I woke up to something tapping the back of my head. When I opened my eyes, my partner was staring at me wide eyed. Then I hear “Airman Gonzales, you are fkn dead.” The staff sergeant took my loaded m16 and stuck it to the back of my head. That was the tapping that woke me up. My stupid mfkn partner fell asleep after me and could have gotten us killed. From that day forward, I do not like when people are behind me. Someone from my civilian job once came up behind me and flicked the back of my neck. Mind you I already told my coworkers not to come up behind me, yet this dumb shit thought it would be a good idea. Well, I turned around, made a fist and told him that if he ever did that again that I would fkn kill him. His smile didn’t last long when he noticed I wasn’t playing. Now of course I wasn’t really going to kill him, but I really would have jaw jacked him if I didn’t think before I acted.

The VA set me up with a therapist on the outside and it didn’t go so well. When the person says “well Robert, you know you should have probably stayed awake” it doesn’t sit well with me. No shit sherlock, I’m glad you studied a college text book to tell me that. This is why the VA needs to attract more healthcare veterans to work at the VA. You want to be able to talk to someone who possibly had the same or similar experiences as yourself.

At least the VA pays for my sessions. Honestly, I saw what they charged the VA and couldn’t believe it. How can someone who is mentally ill and homeless or living paycheck to paycheck be expected to pay these crazy amounts? Of course you may have health insurance, but you are only allotted so many times per year. You see someone for 12 sessions because that’s is all you are allowed, but a 13th session could have been the session that prevented you from killing yourself that night.

The system is not set up to help you, it is set up to help itself. When you are denied being seen by a mental health professional because you are homeless, have no insurance, no money, no means of payment, well …you get what you fucking deserve.

Happy Meal

Before I picked up my daughter from her moms house, I decided to go to the McDonald’s drive through and get her some nuggets and fries. My daughter is 16 months old and like any kid her age, is very picky.

Anyways I figured I’d just get myself the nuggets and fries and give her a few of mine. As I’m looking at the menu, I see they still have the happy meals. I say “still” because I know the fun police is trying to stop anything that may lead to obesity because of a toy in a bag. Stupid I know.

So i grab the happy meal and start to think of all the times my parents bought me and my sister one. If I had to lift a finger on one hand as to how many times, I’d still be making a fist. I honestly can not remember us ever getting happy meals. That’s besides the point i guess.

So I get my daughter, strap her in her car seat and we start our way back to my apartment. I look in the rear view mirror and see her little face staring out of the window. I reach in my bag and grab a fry to give to her. I reach back and i can see her little hand move up to grab it.

It’s like watching a fighter jet refuel while still in the air. The pilot must be thinking “steady…steady..”. Well that’s how it felt. I’m trying to make sure her little hand has a hold of this golden fry. With a little bit of movement, we have success.

Back to the happy meal. So we get home and i put her in her high chair, grab her the chocolate milk, the nuggets and the fries. She goes straight for the fries, which I don’t blame her…it was a good batch today. But then I pulled out the toy. The look on her face was as if she witnessed King Arthur pull Excalibur from the stone. Her face lit up with a smile and she started clapping. I pulled the Minions toy out of the plastic and handed it to her. Sure, I could have waited to give it to her, but why?

For those that don’t know me, I have always wanted kids. I didn’t get blessed with one until I was 39, so it was kind of a late start. As my friends are getting excited for their kids high school or even college graduation, I am getting excited about a happy meal.

Will she remember this happy meal? Of course not. And to be honest, I probably wont either. But right now at this moment in time, a small box with golden arches and a toy put a smile on both of our faces.

Joker

First off, if Joaquin Phoenix doesn’t win an Oscar for his role, then something is wrong with the academy.

Like a majority of people, I  felt that Heath Ledger was the ultimate portrayal of the Joker.  In some respects, he still is.  Heath’s Joker worked will in Nolan’s Batman universe. Nolan’s Joker was grittier than what we were used to with Nicholson and Romero.  As gritty as it was, it was still based in a fantasy universe.  Would Heath still have won an Oscar for his role if he was still alive?  I don’t believe so.

Then we have the train wreck of Jared Leto’s Joker. Going from Heath’s Joker to Leto’s is like going from soda to water.  Yeah they’re both wet, but that’s the only thing they have in common. We can’t really blame Leto for his take on the Joker, that blame goes to Warner Brothers for allowing it.  It’s ok to revision the look of Joker, but Warner Bros. went to the extreme.

Now we have Phoenix’s Joker.  The reason I feel this Joker works so well and is better than Heath’s is because the character can end up being any of us. His mental illness/disorder was true to life. Watching him transform after his medication was cut off, shows how millions of people have to deal with an illness when insurance companies wont cover the meds or how pharmaceutical companies want to over charge.  Watching him contemplate suicide and then killing Murray reminded me of when i go to the VA and they ask “do you want to hurt yourself or hurt someone else?”.  My answer is no, i don’t want to hurt myself, yes i want to hurt someone else.  Just to be clear, im not talking about killing anyway lol just want to beat someones ass sometimes.  Being delusional about his neighbor was so well done, I can only compare it to the Sixth Sense.  You feel sorry for him and then see him find a love who accepts him, only to find out that it was all in his head.

There are a few scenes that I want to talk about.  First is the dancing on the steps.  Who ever thought of using Gary Glitter is awesome. Sure the guy is a pedo, but this song matches so perfectly being set in the 80s.  And for those complaining about it being used, every stadium in the US plays this damn song.  Second is the killing of Mur-ray.  Loved how he called him that. As Joker was getting upset, you could feel the realness as he raised his voice.

“This movie shouldn’t be shown, it will trigger people”  Yes, let’s ban a movie because it might trigger someone. If that’s the case, just shut down theaters now because someone will get triggered by something sometime or another.  I think what it does is open peoples eyes that mental illness is real and that we need to find help for those suffering from it.

“This movie is too dark.  I had to leave with my kids.”  First off, why would you take your kids to see a rated “R” movie? That’s your own dumb ass fault. Second, “You get what you fucking deserve!”

 

Best 4th of July

It’s been a while since i’ve last posted on here, but i figured today would be the best time.  In prior blogs i’ve talked about how my dad had memories of the Blackhawks with my grandpa and how I have memories of my dad. From going to the Blackhawks game at the old Chicago Stadium, to him bringing me Garbage Pail Kids home when he got off work, to him calling 1800BetsOff on me when i had a problem gambling.

Memories are worth more than money. We will always have memories, while money will run out.  Of course one could argue that Alzheimer patients lose their memory but lets not get technical here.

For many years when i would go watch the 4th of July fireworks, I looked around as people played catch with their kids, or had a mini cookout with their kids, waiting for the fireworks to start.  And for many years i could only imagine what that felt like.

Well yesterday, with my daughter on my lap, the first firework went off..then the next..then the next..  I sat there holding her and feeling her little heartbeat steady rising from the explosions.  Not only did i see the explosions in the sky, but felt an explosion of feelings as I sat there holding here.  This little 6 month hold, feeling secure with her daddy’s arms around her…just one of the many times that she will have this feeling until the day I die.

I had my family take pictues of us because i wanted her to have a keepsake of her first 4th of July fireworks.  I told myself I wanted the pictures for her because she wont have any memory of this when she gets older.  But perhaps the one that needed the memories is not her, but me.  I wanted that memory of holding my daughter for her first firework show. I wanted the memory of wanting something for so long, and finally being able to have it.

I can’t lie..as the explosion of colors lit the night sky, I sat there with my daughter in my arms, with tears in my eyes.  Her eyes fixated on the sky, not knowing that she’s giving her dad the memories he always wanted.

Just the two of us

Well, actually 5 but for the sake of this blog I’ll just say the two of us.  I’m talking about me and my kick ass little daughter who is 2 1/2 months old.  This little girl is everything I’ve ever wanted in my life. Obviously I couldn’t have this little one by myself, I owe everything to my girlfriend.  For some reason, she figured I’d be a great guy to have a child with and here we are lol. People say that she looks like me, I think she has my eyes and my ears, but she has her moms lips and nose. I can’t wait for her to be able to crawl, walk, and talk but that will come with time.  Right now i’m just taking it all in and loving every minute of it. I look at her and wonder how some parents can purposely do harm to their child? You have this innocent little person who looks to you for food, love, and of course diaper changing. How can you bring yourself to harm them? Shit, she hit her head on my chin and i almost starting crying my damn self cause i felt bad.  I love my little girl more than anything in the world. I would die for her, and best believe, I’d kill to protect her. Untitled-1

2018 the year that changed my life

These past few years have been kinda depressing. One mom had cancer, one had a heart attack, my uncle and grandpa both passed and I got divorced. 2018 though was the year that changed my life and a year that will be close to my heart.  I met by wonderful girlfriend who has brought a smile to my face that I had lost.  She showed me what it was to love again, and love her is what i do.  She not only brought a smile to my face, but she blessed me with a beautiful daughter who was born on 12/19/18.  This little girl, Sophia Kane, is the love of my life and it’s a love that I have never felt before.  I look into my daughters eyes and my heart melts.  Here I am at 39 years old, with my first child. People ask me if im tired already of changing diapers or not getting sleep.  I can honestly say no.  I love every minute of it.  Am I tired?  Sure, but this little person looks at me and I know its my job to protect and care for her.  So now we enter 2019, which is not about me, but about my daughter and my daughters mother.  2019 is about the family that I helped create.

A letter to my unborn child.

Dear ***********

Your mother is in the living room sleeping on the couch because you are making it too uncomfortable for her to sleep on the bed, guess you can say you are already being difficult. I on the other hand, am sitting here in the bedroom thinking how much my life is going to change when you finally come into this world.  I’ve stated before that I started a new chapter in the book of life when I started to date your mother, but you little girl, are going to be a whole new book.  A book that I never thought I would have in my hands.

I sit here wondering what you are going to look like.  We’ve seen ultrasound pictures, but those are just pixels on a piece of paper.  Will you have my eyes?  Will you have your moms’ lips?  Hopefully you have her hair, although your mom has already said she hopes you don’t.

When your mother said she was pregnant, I knew that my life was no longer about me, it was about you.  People have told me that I am going to spoil you, and they’re probably right, but I’m also going to be hard on you.   I’m going to be hard on you because my job is to be your father, not your friend.  You won’t understand that for probably the first 20 years of your life, but you will.

You’re coming into this world with a mom who is going to love and care for you tremendously. I know this because she already does the same with your brother and sister.  Your mom is very chill…as long as you listen. So, my advice to you is to do what your told. Cause honestly, I don’t want to hear your mom yell.

As for the other people in the family, they will love you in their own way. I’m sure your brother and sister will pick on you just as I picked on your aunts.  And I know your grandparents are going to spoil the heck out of you and it’s going to upset me when I tell them no to something and they’ll do it anyways.  But that’s ok, it their job as grandparents.

As for me, your dad.  Well…  I’m going to cheer you on as you take your first steps. I’m going to cheer you on as you ride your bike for the first time without your training wheels.  I’m going to cheer you on when you get stage fright in the school play.  I’m going to cheer you on as you walk to get your diploma.

I’m going to support you when you do a goofy volcano for a science project. I’m going to support you when you choose what career you are going to go to college for. I’m going to support you when you tell me you are in love with your boyfriend…. or girlfriend.

I’m going to love you the moment our eyes meet in the delivery room.  I’m going to love you when you draw on the wall.  I’m going to love you when you don’t get an “A” in math. I’m going to love you when you tell me you hate me as you slam your bedroom door. I’m going to love you when you start to date a boy that I disapprove of.  I know all of this because I love you more than anything in the world right now and we haven’t even met.

Love,

Dad