Do you believe in it? You hear it all the time… how did you know they were the one? Oh, it was love at first sight. Talk about fking corny. You expect me to believe that you can fall in love with someone just from a look? It’s hard to fall in love with someone after dating them for months or years. Do I believe in love at first sight? I didn’t at first. But then I met someone and said goddamn she is gorgeous, funny, smart, caring, hard working, oh yeah…and married. Cupid came and popped that heart over my head and said “noooooot toooday”. Cupid can eat a bowl of dicks.
It’s been a while since i’ve last posted on here, but i figured today would be the best time. In prior blogs i’ve talked about how my dad had memories of the Blackhawks with my grandpa and how I have memories of my dad. From going to the Blackhawks game at the old Chicago Stadium, to him bringing me Garbage Pail Kids home when he got off work, to him calling 1800BetsOff on me when i had a problem gambling.
Memories are worth more than money. We will always have memories, while money will run out. Of course one could argue that Alzheimer patients lose their memory but lets not get technical here.
For many years when i would go watch the 4th of July fireworks, I looked around as people played catch with their kids, or had a mini cookout with their kids, waiting for the fireworks to start. And for many years i could only imagine what that felt like.
Well yesterday, with my daughter on my lap, the first firework went off..then the next..then the next.. I sat there holding her and feeling her little heartbeat steady rising from the explosions. Not only did i see the explosions in the sky, but felt an explosion of feelings as I sat there holding here. This little 6 month hold, feeling secure with her daddy’s arms around her…just one of the many times that she will have this feeling until the day I die.
I had my family take pictues of us because i wanted her to have a keepsake of her first 4th of July fireworks. I told myself I wanted the pictures for her because she wont have any memory of this when she gets older. But perhaps the one that needed the memories is not her, but me. I wanted that memory of holding my daughter for her first firework show. I wanted the memory of wanting something for so long, and finally being able to have it.
I can’t lie..as the explosion of colors lit the night sky, I sat there with my daughter in my arms, with tears in my eyes. Her eyes fixated on the sky, not knowing that she’s giving her dad the memories he always wanted.
Well, actually 5 but for the sake of this blog I’ll just say the two of us. I’m talking about me and my kick ass little daughter who is 2 1/2 months old. This little girl is everything I’ve ever wanted in my life. Obviously I couldn’t have this little one by myself, I owe everything to my girlfriend. For some reason, she figured I’d be a great guy to have a child with and here we are lol. People say that she looks like me, I think she has my eyes and my ears, but she has her moms lips and nose. I can’t wait for her to be able to crawl, walk, and talk but that will come with time. Right now i’m just taking it all in and loving every minute of it. I look at her and wonder how some parents can purposely do harm to their child? You have this innocent little person who looks to you for food, love, and of course diaper changing. How can you bring yourself to harm them? Shit, she hit her head on my chin and i almost starting crying my damn self cause i felt bad. I love my little girl more than anything in the world. I would die for her, and best believe, I’d kill to protect her.
These past few years have been kinda depressing. One mom had cancer, one had a heart attack, my uncle and grandpa both passed and I got divorced. 2018 though was the year that changed my life and a year that will be close to my heart. I met by wonderful girlfriend who has brought a smile to my face that I had lost. She showed me what it was to love again, and love her is what i do. She not only brought a smile to my face, but she blessed me with a beautiful daughter who was born on 12/19/18. This little girl, Sophia Kane, is the love of my life and it’s a love that I have never felt before. I look into my daughters eyes and my heart melts. Here I am at 39 years old, with my first child. People ask me if im tired already of changing diapers or not getting sleep. I can honestly say no. I love every minute of it. Am I tired? Sure, but this little person looks at me and I know its my job to protect and care for her. So now we enter 2019, which is not about me, but about my daughter and my daughters mother. 2019 is about the family that I helped create.
Your mother is in the living room sleeping on the couch because you are making it too uncomfortable for her to sleep on the bed, guess you can say you are already being difficult. I on the other hand, am sitting here in the bedroom thinking how much my life is going to change when you finally come into this world. I’ve stated before that I started a new chapter in the book of life when I started to date your mother, but you little girl, are going to be a whole new book. A book that I never thought I would have in my hands.
I sit here wondering what you are going to look like. We’ve seen ultrasound pictures, but those are just pixels on a piece of paper. Will you have my eyes? Will you have your moms’ lips? Hopefully you have her hair, although your mom has already said she hopes you don’t.
When your mother said she was pregnant, I knew that my life was no longer about me, it was about you. People have told me that I am going to spoil you, and they’re probably right, but I’m also going to be hard on you. I’m going to be hard on you because my job is to be your father, not your friend. You won’t understand that for probably the first 20 years of your life, but you will.
You’re coming into this world with a mom who is going to love and care for you tremendously. I know this because she already does the same with your brother and sister. Your mom is very chill…as long as you listen. So, my advice to you is to do what your told. Cause honestly, I don’t want to hear your mom yell.
As for the other people in the family, they will love you in their own way. I’m sure your brother and sister will pick on you just as I picked on your aunts. And I know your grandparents are going to spoil the heck out of you and it’s going to upset me when I tell them no to something and they’ll do it anyways. But that’s ok, it their job as grandparents.
As for me, your dad. Well… I’m going to cheer you on as you take your first steps. I’m going to cheer you on as you ride your bike for the first time without your training wheels. I’m going to cheer you on when you get stage fright in the school play. I’m going to cheer you on as you walk to get your diploma.
I’m going to support you when you do a goofy volcano for a science project. I’m going to support you when you choose what career you are going to go to college for. I’m going to support you when you tell me you are in love with your boyfriend…. or girlfriend.
I’m going to love you the moment our eyes meet in the delivery room. I’m going to love you when you draw on the wall. I’m going to love you when you don’t get an “A” in math. I’m going to love you when you tell me you hate me as you slam your bedroom door. I’m going to love you when you start to date a boy that I disapprove of. I know all of this because I love you more than anything in the world right now and we haven’t even met.
This last weekend has probably been one of the hardest times in my life. My grandfather passed away about 2 days after being taken off of dialysis. As the oldest grandchild, I think when it all happened, I was more worried about making sure my cousins and family were ok, rather then let my emotions get the best of me. It was after all just a matter of time after they stopped dialysis. Even though it was expected and you try to prepare yourself, it’s still heartbreaking. I know some people lose them when they are young, but I’ve been blessed to have had mine through my adult years. The first grandparent i lost was my mothers mom when i was about 19 or 20. So now 18 years after losing my mothers mom, I’ve lost my fathers dad. Seeing my dad at my grandpa’s bedside after he passed is an experience I do not ever want to feel again, only i know that I’ll have to go through it 4 more times. My grandpa was awesome. He talked shit, gave me the finger and told me he loved me all at the same time. Today at work, I think the realization finally hit because I broke down. I think about my dad the most. He was close to my grandpa like I am close to my dad. He can no longer call him on the phone, or watch the Cubs or Blackhawks with him. That scares me the most. There will be a day that I wont be able to call my dad, celebrate a Hawks goal, or go golfing with him. My grandpa hated going to the hospital for dialysis and for medical shit, so saying that I wish he was still here would be selfish on my part. Death is inevitable and I understand that, just wish taking the lose would be easier. Here is the picture slide show I did for the visitation.